Thursday, May 29, 2014

One Fine Day

     One of my greatest strengths also happens to be one of my biggest weaknesses, which, believe me, is no end of annoying. I think a lot of people are like that, though. I feel like most people have that contradiction within themselves, that thing that allows them to succeed, but only as long as they keep it in check and don't let it run away. In my case, it's the fact that I'm a long-term, overall-picture kind of thinker. I tend to loose the pieces of the puzzle because I'm so busy trying to see the end result and making sure it's going to be what I want it to be. It's amazing how much you lose sight of when your brain is hardwired to keep the eyes on the prize.

     I've been reminded of that lately, the idea of stopping to pay more attention to what's happening right now, instead of always trying to figure out what's coming up around the corner and how we can prepare for it. Adam and Carrie got married on Saturday, and it was a day that many of us had been looking forward to for awhile. It was one of those days that, miraculously, didn't feel horribly rushed or tiresome or as though someone was always in one place when they were supposed to be in another. I can't even refer to it as a beautiful chaos, because that would be inaccurate, as it wasn't chaotic at all. It was just...so lovely. 

     Obviously, I can't speak for everyone involved, but my officiant husband and I enjoyed our friends, our family, each other, without that sense of "Ohmygod, we're late and we're supposed to be there and I FORGOT TO WEAR MASCARA, WE HAVE TO TURN AROUND!!!!" that I've known too many weddings to suffer from. This one didn't. There was love, there was dancing, there were old friends my husband hadn't seen in far too long, and there were new friends for me to connect with. Yes, great, that's wonderful, but what the hell does a wedding have anything to do with my husband's Marfan's? The point I'm trying to ever-so-gradually get to is that it was the kind of day that we both sometimes forget can happen, because his disorder pushes the possibility of what could be and the memories of what has been right out of our heads.

      I suppose I should clarify that last to make it apparent that it happens to me far more than it does him, because as I mentioned before, I am by nature a big-picture girl, not a take-it-as-it-comes girl. Rolling with the punches, while a talent of mine in certain situations, is not really something I do across the board. When you combine those tendencies with the everyday uncertainty of my husband's health, it can be a bad situation, one that effectively blinds me to what's happening at my fingertips. 

       In this case, instead of worrying if the percocet was going to ease the pain in my husband's spine long enough to perform the wedding ceremony, I made a decision to say, "Screw it. Not today, Marfan's, not today." And you know what? The world kept spinning, my husband did not fall apart, and we had a great day, both of us. I'm hoping, if I can make progress in figuring out how to safely wield my double-edged sword, that we'll start having those days with increasing frequency.  

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