Monday, April 15, 2013

Crossroads

     Oh, Jesus, it's been too damn long since I sat down to get something out. So much has happened, is happening, is going to happen that my poor brain just canNOT keep up with it. I'm feeling simultaneously happy and semi-bummed and excited and anxious and it's going to do bad things to my equilibrium if I'm not careful. The truth about why I haven't been posting very much is because I've gotten in over my head with the technical side of having a blog and I'm still trying to repair the damage. Basically, I switched over to WordPress, thinking that was a good idea, and now I have no idea how to get my domain name routed back to my Blogger account. I'll probably end up calling Google's support team and driving them crazy for a half-hour or so, but hopefully, I can get it all sorted out. In the meantime, if the blog looks weird to you if/when you manage to get here, just...shake your head at my stupidity and wait it out, okay? Thanks.

     So much good has happened in the past couple of weeks and you'd think that would make me happy, nothing but. Unfortunately, I am a far more complex creature than that. I was offered and accepted what's basically my dream job, which is more than I could've hoped for in this job market. I mean, I considered myself lucky to have a full-time gig in the first place, even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And then, by some miracle, I was offered a job as a legal assistant working Social Security Disability Insurance cases, among other things. Not only is it the exact type of law I had my heart set on when I went back to school to finish my paralegal certificate, but it's a two-lawyer firm set up in a big, beautiful old house within spitting distance from my front door. It couldn't be any more perfect.

     I'm simultaneously off-the-wall excited and hideously nervous about my new employment, because of the same root cause - I will be directly affecting (hopefully in a positive way) permanently disabled peoples' lives. While it's without a doubt what I want to do with my life, it's also a daunting task because so much rides on every little piece of the puzzle. I know, I'm not the attorney, so ultimately, it's not in my hands as to what the final outcome will be in any given situation. I can tell you, though, that anyone who thinks a paralegal or legal assistant is just a glorified secretary is dead wrong. I'll be the first one to lay eyes on some of that information, and what if I miss something vital? Worse, what if I miss a deadline? The legal world is often an unforgiving one and there's very little, if any, room for excuses. Customer service this ain't.

     I also got some of the best news I've gotten in awhile when my friend Carrie texted me late Saturday night to tell me that she and my husband's bestie Adam were officially engaged! It was one of those moments that just makes you stop and smile and think, "Yeah, life can be so good sometimes." It was something that I had been quietly hoping for for awhile now, though I had never given voice to that wish, fearing that if I did, I'd jinx it and not see things work out as I wanted. I know that sounds vaguely creepy, considering that I'm talking about someone else's life and not my own, but sometimes, you just want what you want. In any case, I somehow got what I wanted. And now that I think about it, I wonder if this means she'll be my sister-in-law of sorts, since Adam is the closest thing my husband has to a brother. Huh. Things to ponder.

    As good as both of those things are, though, I think the very best thing came just before noon today, when my husband texted me to tell me that he'd seen his newest doctor and things had gone well. Before you question why this should-be-mundane item got me all kinds of happy in the head, let me clarify - my husband's newest doctor is a psychiatrist. This is a huge (and hugely sensitive) issue for my husband and I, one which has been causing massive amounts of heartache over the past couple of years. I mean, seriously, it's been a dirty, poisoned knife in our combined side for longer than it hasn't been. The fact that we've taken the first step towards extricating it and stemming the flow of blood from our marriage gives me a sense of hope that's been missing for too long.

     I don't think I'm ready to say more about that particular manifestation of my husband's disorder just yet, mostly because it's such a raw nerve, for both of us. The truth of the matter is that neither of us, nor anyone close to us, is properly equipped to deal with the psych end of chronic illness. To further muddy the waters, it's been a bitch and a half to find someone who's both a) experienced in dealing with depression as a symptom of an underlying physical disability and b) someone my husband actually likes enough to talk candidly with. I may just be setting myself up to be kicked back down, but I'm cautiously optimistic that we may finally have a winner.

     It's a lot of change at once for someone who is such a creature of habit, and I think that's why I'm feeling shaky and overwhelmed at the moment. I'm going to get to go back to Missouri for a few days next week, though, and that should settle things a bit. I'm also supposed to stop by my new office on Thursday so I can take the grand tour and get a little more familiar with the place before I jump right into my work. That should help, too, and it speaks well of my new boss that she would be so thoughtful as to not want to overwhelm me on my first day. I have every reason to believe that this place will be a great fit for me.

     I feel like I should say that all this goodness means the tide is turning, or we're turning the corner, or some other cliched "don't-worry-be-happy" platitude. While that cautious optimism is definitely there, it's a very cautious optimism, almost to the point of being fearful. I know that's no way to live, no way to look at things, but I guess I'm not strong enough yet to just throw every caution to the wind and leap headlong into the light. I mean, yeah, it feels like the sun this time, but that same light has turned out to be, in the not-too-distant past, the fucking headlight of a train rushing to flatten both my husband and I. I'll know which one it is soon enough, most likely.

   

     
   
     

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