Tuesday, August 14, 2012

St. Louis Elegy

      And so it's come to this - my husband and I are leaving the StL and moving halfway across the country to Charlotte, NC, which is where he's from. If I were to be completely accurate, I would have to amend the previous statement because my husband is actually already in North Carolina and I'm the one who will soon be leaving the Midwest to join him. It's a huge thing for both of us, to pack up and move over seven hundred miles away, but it's huge for each of us in different ways.

     I've mentioned before that my husband lost his job last March and when he was offered this new job in Charlotte, we were pretty damned pleased. Unemployment is kind of a mind-fuck and it certainly wasn't the happiest time in our household. This offer came through, though, and we decided that we would just have to look at it as a kind of second chance that we were being given to pick up and start fresh in a new place. It's not that St. Louis is an awful place to be or anything, but the city has, by and large, been rather unkind to us.

     The truth is, there were far more bad times here than there were good, and the painful memories far outweigh the happy ones. I don't know if that's because the painful ones are so much stronger than the others or if they're simply more numerous, but it's the truth. I will always be grateful for the time and the place because it brought my husband and I together; that will never change. I can't say, though, that I'm really all that sad to be moving on.

     I am sad to be leaving behind my coworkers and the place I've worked for the last eight years of my life, because there's not a lot that we haven't experienced together. My family is here, of course, and that's going to be a bummer because we're super-close and I'm used to being able to drop by my parents' house for a visit and free dinner whenever I want. That's going to leave a hole in me, but it can't be helped. I'm most afraid, though, of losing my circle of friends.

     The majority of my friends and I have been together for more than fifteen years and I can't think of a major life event that we haven't dealt with together. Sex, drinking, deaths, births, marriages, divorces, coming out - you name it, we've experienced it together. A couple of them are much more like brothers to me than friends and I have no idea how to be away from them. Especially when you consider the extra support that I sometimes need to deal with my husband's disorder, I just don't know how well this is going to go.

     I remember multiple incidents where my husband was hospitalized for one reason or another and I couldn't leave work to pick him up from the hospital, so one of my friends did it for me. So many times, I would go for coffee or lunch with my best girlfriend because something had happened with my husband's health and I needed to talk it out. What's going to happen now? I know I can always call them, email them, text them or whatever else I need to do to get in touch, but, at the risk of sounding like a child having a temper tantrum, it's not the same!

     I just have so much running around in my head right now that I hardly know where to begin. I'm leaving in three weeks to go to Charlotte and pick out somewhere for us to live, as my husband is currently staying with his friend Adam. By that time, I will have officially had my last day at work and will be in the final stages of my life in St. Louis. I don't know how I'll feel about it then, because I don't know how I feel about it now. It changes on a day-to-day basis, though overall I think I feel good about it.

     There will be so many blog posts coming, because there are so many issues with this move that I don't think most people have to deal with. I don't have the first clue if I'm handling them properly or not, but I guess only time will tell. Right now, I just need this outlet to try and get it all straight(ish) in my head before everything changes.

1 comment:

Mike Carroll said...

Moving is always hard, no matter where you are from and where you are going. I have lived all over the midwest and southeast (lived in 7 states). I have friends from over 20 years ago that I still keep in touch with, and that's hard to do when you move like I do. You face a lot of questions about what to do, but you figure it out along the way. No matter what happens in life, you figure out a way to make things work. It will all come full circle. Take advantage of the time you have now in STL and take advantage of the time in NC. That's what life is about anyways, right? Look at the best, and you will have the best! Sorry... just got home from work a few minutes ago... and I read this.... kind of hit home!