Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Day

     I know it's kind of a cliche, the whole making of resolutions and vowing to start living your life in a more productive, satisfying manner, but New Year's just feels like a clean slate, no? It does for me, always has, and so I join the millions of people every year who make up their minds that THIS is the year; this is the year I'm finally going to get in shape, the year I'm going to start a savings account, the year I'm going to quit screwing around and go back to school. I have no idea what percentage of people actually keep their resolution and to what degree, but I imagine that at least a few actually do make whatever change in their life they deem necessary and it sticks. I myself always begin with the best of intentions and do so well for about a week, maybe two...and then I start slipping back to the way it was and it's all downhill from there.

     I think that this time, though, is different. This time, I have to make some changes in my life, both for myself and my husband, if I want us to be able to keep going merrily along without too much trouble. Truth be told, 2011 turned out to be a miserable fucking year and I'm not sorry to see it go. It don't know what was in the water, but damned if it didn't effect a ridiculous number of people in my life, both close to home and far away. It was the year of job losses, demotions, busted relationships, financial crisis, health nightmares and work issues. I know those things can and do happen every day, and both I and my circle of loved ones have experienced them before, but it really seems like they've never come as fast and hard as they did this year.

     I'm not going to go into each and every incident, because that's unnecessary. Suffice it to say that however strong I thought I was before, I didn't really have the first clue as to what that meant. Yes, there were a few unpleasant things in my younger years that I weathered just fine, like my father's cancer and the car accident that almost killed me when I was sixteen, but they didn't feel nearly as heavy as what came at my husband and I in the past twelve months. Things completely beyond our control, mostly his disorder, crept into every crevice and made the simple day-to-day so damn hard with alarming frequency. I was put into positions I never thought in a thousand years I'd be in, backed into corners I'd never thought I'd have to fight my way out of.

     I did, though, I did whatever I had to do to make sure my husband and I were okay and going to stay that way. Huh. That whole last sentence sounds a little dire; perhaps I should clarify. I wasn't out selling my kidney on the black market or anything, I just had to put my brain to work in ways that I never have before. I had to dig really deep sometimes to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other without anyone knowing what was going on behind the scenes and I was pretty damn successful, if I do say so myself. That's the one good thing that came out of last year, now that I reflect on it - the discovery that I and my loved ones were made of sterner stuff that we'd ever believed.

      It's because of everything that happened and everything that didn't that I believe this year is going to be a great one. I'm a huge believer in karma and the idea that what goes around comes around (which is kind of redundant, but anyway) and by that logic, 2012 is going to be some kind of wonderful. Is that wishful thinking? Maybe, but I don't really care if it is or it isn't. If I believe it, maybe that's enough of a trigger to make it happen. You know, like"If you build it, they will come," or something to that effect. I've made my resolutions that I think are going to be beneficial to my husband and I, which I will do my damndest to keep. Besides that, though, I've  made up my mind to truly believe that this is going to be a great year. And that right there, that solid belief, is going to be the key element to making sure greatness is headed my way.

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