Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hallelujah

     I'm tired of the heavy, heavy things going on in my little corner of the world at the moment and so I've decided I'm not going to share them just yet. I will at some point in the near future, because that's kind of the point of this whole blog, but not right now. I need a bit more time to process, to mull things over, to keep these thoughts between my husband and myself until I can refine them a bit more into something that's much more representative of what I'm trying to say. I really do try to put the best I can out here in the great wide internet and it bothers me when I can't quite get my point across because it's too convoluted in my head. Therefore, I have to let things settle down a bit. Also? I want to write a happy post and not think about the rest of it right now. I need a break every so often.

     I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere with my grand plans for the rest of our lives. That makes me sound like I'm super-controlling, like I'm planning out every move we as a couple make, but I promise it's not that way. Big decisions, such as me going back to school to finish both my bachelor's and my paralegal certification, are always discussed in great detail and then the two of us figure out what's going to be the best plan of action. Granted, my husband's disorder does come into play more than either one of us would like when trying to plan for the future, but we deal. In almost every way, we're just like any other couple navigating our lives with one another as best we can. There's simply one more element that we have to consider.

     Despite the events of the past couple of weeks, it seems that things are moving and happening and falling in line for once. Halle-fricking-lujah, right? My classes at school went a little wonky last week when one got dropped suddenly, but I was able to meet with someone this morning and a new class, the last one I need to complete for my bachelor's, was slotted into that vacant spot. So very relieved that I've got that sorted, let me tell you. I've been working on that damn thing for a decade (no, really - I started college when I was seventeen, in 2002) and have spent far too much time and money to be three credit hours short of that much-coveted piece of paper. This is probably the biggest factor in my current yea-I'm-actually-getting-somewhere state of mind.

     I've also recently started looking at my relationship with my husband in a different way and that's got me pretty pleased as well. I can be a very hard person sometimes and that's mainly due to my belief that whatever the situation at home, you DO NOT let it bleed over into the other parts of your life and you DO NOT let it impair your day-to-day functionality. That belief, combined with the fact that I've always been a healthy specimen and so don't really have a concept of what it's like to be in my husband's place, leads to my patience running very short sometimes. As a consequence, I react badly every so often when he's unable to put whatever it is that's paining him on that day to the side and present a "normal" front to the world. It's how I operate, keeping that front always in place, and when I see others unable to do the same, it's hard for me to understand.

     Lately, though, I've started making a conscious effort to be kinder, more patient. The fact of the matter is, as much as I live this disorder every day, what I experience and the effects it has on my life are not the same as what my husband experiences. I'm never going to fully understand it, because it's not ME. It's not my body that's being affected in so many ways and it's not my head that's being fucked with. Well, I guess the head thing applies to me too, but in a different way than it's applicable to him. Once I got that seemingly obvious concept through my thick skull and into my brain, it was a little easier, all of it. It seems wrong that I would have to learn to be compassionate towards the man I love more than anything, but it's not nearly as easy a concept to master as you'd think.


     It's a little happier around here now, though some badness came down hard just after Christmas. We're working on getting back to okay, but it's simultaneously easier and harder to do that this time. I know, that sounds deliberately contradictory, but it's the only way to describe it and it's true, trust me. I think it's better now because I can see things differently and so am able to provide my husband with more and better support. That alone makes me happy and I'm happier still when I see how it affects him. Again, I'm sure some people will think this shouldn't even be a thing, that of course I should be utterly compassionate and think of nothing but him whenever something happens, but to those people I would give the argument that you don't know until you're in it. You just can't imagine all the thousands of layers that are there until it's you trying to pull them apart.

     So, what have we learned today, kids? 1. I'm tired of the sad, heavy posts and so decided to take a break because it's my blog and I can if I want to. 2. My husband and I are making headway for the first time in what feels like forever and it's such a relief. 3. I'm learning to be a kinder, gentler, more supportive wife. Note: this newfound gentleness and compassion extends only to my husband and homeless animals. If you do not fit into either of those categories, don't expect to come to me and have your woe-is-me attitude validated; it's not going to happen. That keep-moving-forward attitude is still firmly in place and applies to all other areas of my life. I'm just learning how to make it co-exist peacefully with what I now know my husband needs from me.




2 comments:

Ms. B said...

Keep writing. It will make you feel better. You are verbalizing some of the same thoughts that I am sure my husband has. He has told me on many occassions that he can just look at me and tell what kind of day I am having and he can also assess my pain level just by simple observation.

Kristin Lee said...

I know what he means. I can tell when it's not going to be a good day for my husband and knowing there's nothing I can do makes it worse. You're also right about the writing; it does make me feel better and it serves a great purpose in allowing my husband and I to talk about a lot of things that may not otherwise come to light.