Wednesday, September 7, 2011

High/Low

      As much as I have the ability to get maudlin and defeatist about my current situation, which is that of a wife to a man born with Marfan's Syndrome, I'd like to believe I don't allow it to get that way very often. Of course, that could also be my own wishful thinking, that I'm stronger than most and can successfully shoulder the extra burden with nary a hitch in my stride. The truth is generally somewhere in the middle, which means that while I'm probably stronger than most I know, I'm not quite as unflappable as I'd like to believe. I'm getting better at accepting that fact and also embracing the small successes we've been experiencing of late. I want to use the encouraging information to leverage my brain into a happier place where perhaps it won't be quite as susceptible to uncertainty about what the future holds for us.

     We're making progress towards a steadier future, what with me back in school and the pair of us finally starting to have some success with paying off debts (very slowly, but very surely), so that helps my state of mind. I like it when I can see progress being made, like one less bill to pay every month because that debt's been satisfied or the savings account growing in small but steady increments. That makes me believe that it's not always going to be as difficult for us as it is now. I can look at our situation and say, "Yeah, well, we just got another thousand-dollar hospital bill for his latest surgical adventure, but at least we don't have to pay on my student loans right now." So that's something.

     Truly, most days this line of thinking has the desired effect. I can take it step by step instead of pushing my brain to figure out the whole picture all at once, which accomplishes nothing except making me stressed out and bitchy. It's one of those things that I don't believe is completely unique to my situation, but rather something that everyone faces to some degree. The difference is that my husband and I have a few more issues muddying the waters than most couples and it makes it really fricking hard to see where I should go next.

     I have to admit to feeling somewhat not in control of my emotions at times, since the heaviness of what's in my head sometimes gets away from me. I don't like feeling that way, especially when it lashes out to snap at whoever's near me (usually my husband.) I know everyone has their moments and God knows I'm not the first person to ever feel as if their moods are running away with their sanity, but it gets really tiring really fast. What I want to know is if anyone else in my position ever gets this way, when the low hits really damn hard and fast and with minimal warning. Come on, kids, I can't be the only one - nobody's that special a snowflake.

     Before anyone throws it out there, let me be clear that I don't believe that it's a chemical imbalance or anything of that nature that's causing the mood swings. (And no, I'm not pregnant.) While I believe that to be a very real problem for some (the chemical imbalance, not the pregnancy) and I certainly empathize, that's not what's going on here. Mine is simply me letting my thoughts run away from me and not being able to corral them in a timely fashion. By the time everything's tucked back into it's proper box, I've already experienced an unpleasant little interlude.

     What's the best way to focus on the good and keep the rest of it at bay? I mean, that bad stuff? It's by and large hypothetical anyway! That's right, folks - I'm going off on head trips about things that HAVEN'T EVEN HAPPENED. But what if he loses his job and therefore his insurance and then we have to move in with my parents and I'll never be able to finish school and he could poke another holeinhiseyeandwhatifhedamagestherodsinhisbackandwhatifwhatifwhatifWHATIF???? Yep, that's about the size of it.

     So that leveraging I was talking about earlier? While it's not entirely wishful thinking, because I really do think I'm getting better at it, I also know I've got a bit more work to do on that front. I have to reiterate that I don't think this problem is something that's unique to me or even to someone living in the same household with a disorder like Marfan's Syndrome. I'm sure we all get stuck in this place every so often. That's why I'm asking for help with ideas about better ways to handle the bad thoughts. Someone out there surely knows a more productive way of allowing the troublesome thoughts to exist, but not letting them run freely through my brain pan wreaking havoc as they go. So....gimme your best thoughts on the matter.






No comments: