Saturday, May 21, 2011

Grace

     There are certain words that I've noticed pop up frequently in my writings on this blog and I've got mixed feelings about them. "Frustrated", "angry", "tired" - things of that nature seem to have a way of creeping into posts that I've no intention of putting them in. I don't censor myself when I write, but I do try to put the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) of what's in my head out there. I want to be as honest as I can about how I feel about my husband having Marfan's Syndrome and the effect it has on our lives. This sometimes results in posts that are uncomfortable to read (see A Further Rumination on a Man's Ruination) and while I'm okay with that, because that's the reality of the situation sometimes, I'm not okay with the anger that I feel isn't properly channeled sometimes.

     I'll be the first one to tell you that those words I mentioned above have a place in my life and a very valid place at that. No one makes it out of here without their fair share of each of those emotions and more. I'm not trying to eradicate them from my writing or from my life at all; rather, I'm trying to take those emotions and not let them get the better of me, as is too often the case. It's safe to say that my marriage has an added amount of stress due to my husband's illness that most couples don't have to deal with. Never mind that I knew about it going in; it's a whole different ballgame knowing about it and living it.

     I feel like a lot of people in my or similar situations turn to their faith to help them deal and I guess I do that too, to some degree. I don't believe in the Bible or religion, but I do believe in God. It's a blind faith kind of thing, something that I've had to come around to in my own way and in my own time. I know He's there and we talk on a regular basis and that's that. (I really don't want to get too far into the religion issue, because no one is ever going to see eye-to-eye with the next guy and that's not why I'm here anyway.) I know there are a large amount of people who are fond of asking, "Why?" They want to know why this has happened to them/their loved one, how they could possibly be made to suffer so when God is supposed to love them, and on and on until they drive themselves half mad with questions they will never find the answers to.

     It doesn't matter why, in my opinion. If I spent all day on my knees, begging for an answer to that question, I'd likely go insane and waste the gift that is my marriage to my husband. I don't believe that's what God ever intended anyone to do. I know there are those who feel differently and that's fine; it's just not the way for me. Besides that, I believe that God had nothing to do with my husband's disorder. It was a genetic mutation, simple as that. God had bigger fish to fry on June 3, 1973 than to take time out of His day to tweak some random baby's genetics the wrong way.

     So while acceptance of what is has never been a problem for me, dealing with the accompanying emotions has. I have never once asked God why my husband is jacked up, nor why my perfect match couldn't just be normal with regards to his health. Instead, I've told Him how grateful I am that I found my husband, my heart. What I have asked is that He help me when I don't know what the hell to do for my husband and please understand, things have to be really bad before I resort to bugging Him. I and my husband can take of a lot of things on our own, but sometimes... It's just so much.

     When I do this, when I have my conversations with God (usually in my car, so if you see a girl in a Mazda sailing down the highway apparently talking to herself, don't worry, she's not crazy) I'm usually in a state of immense frustration and that's what I don't know how to handle gracefully. I want to get to a point where I can take those negative emotions and turn them into something else, something that doesn't make me feel restless and unnerved. I think the fact that I'm able to acknowledge that what I'm feeling isn't necessarily bad is the first step, as I have no intention of working to eradicate those emotions entirely. That would be both fruitless and a rather stupid endeavor.

     I also want to throw it out there that I'm not doing this in some quest to be a serene, Zen-like creature who's in control of her emotions at all times. I want to learn how to deal with my emotions with some amount of grace so that I don't feel so ugly inside sometimes. That's what it really is, you see. I HATE the frustration and the angry impotence and the nasty, twisting thoughts that go with it. Every so often, those nasty twists just take over my head and I want that to stop. I really feel I'm on the right path, albeit a very, very long path. That gracefulness I'm so wanting is at the end of it, I know, so I need to keep my head up and keep it moving. I have faith that I'll get there eventually.

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