Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Deep Breath

     I'm so scared right now. I almost don't want to make this post, because I know what venom could potentially be directed my way as a result. However, I feel the topic is too important to not address. I know there are others out there like me, married to or in partnerships with people who suffer from debilitating disorders. I know that it's difficult enough to talk about the stuff that's "acceptable" to discuss, i.e. how many trips you've taken to the ER lately, how much the co-pays are for his daily meds, things of that nature. There's more to it, though, so damn much more.

     The "much more" are the thoughts that I'm sometimes ashamed of myself for thinking, the ones that nobody would ever say out loud. What I mean to say is that I sometimes wish he were healthy, because then our life together could be easier. Hell, let's take it one step further and just admit that sometimes I wish it because then MY life would be easier. Sometimes, I don't want to have to figure out how to be the breadwinner. I don't want to have to figure out how we're going to be able to purchase a home that's modified for someone in a wheelchair (because he's likely going to end up in one.) I don't want to be told "not tonight" when I want sex because his fused spine is causing him too much discomfort just then. I DON'T WANT TO!!!

    Wow, I feel much better now. I think in this case, admitting to the world that these dark thoughts exist (and not just in the back corners of my brain, they're right there in the forefront some days) is the hardest part. It took long enough for me to admit to myself the truth of the matter, so it's really no surprise that it took even longer to verbalize those thoughts. What finally pushed me off the cliff with regards to my writing was talking to my husband about it last night. I wasn't nervous at all when I broached the topic with him, because I knew he'd understand completely. I knew, somewhere in my heart, that he would and it was so comforting to hear him agree with me and say that he totally gets why I have those thoughts from time to time.

     That support, that unwavering belief in me, is a huge part of what makes us as a pair so great. I don't think many people realize that while it's obvious that I would need to be supportive and strong for my husband, he has to be equally so for me, but in a completely different way. His shows of strength are much less obvious than mine and his support more subtle, but it's every bit as steadfast. I want everyone to know that, how much we support EACH OTHER, because I believe that's really the key to "us". There is so much more to this and I fully intend to dive into it, but right now, I need to get my breath back.

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